I'm sitting in a basement next to a roaring fire clacking away at my keyboard struggling to wrap my head around a situation I never saw coming miles away from where a week ago I used to spend my days. I know anything is possible and life can turn in a moment but knowing doesn’t always equate preparedness. I wonder who else has vertigo from the perspective shift of being advised by the Federal Government to stay in your house indefinitely can give you.

I’m amazed at what I miss just a week in - it’s nothing that I was afraid of losing. I miss little conversations in between classes. I miss people-watching, crowd surfing, drinking coffee in different neighborhoods, and as much as I hate to admit it - taking the fucking TTC. It’s the stuff I thought was meaningless that means the most to me right now. That’s where the void is - and if I’ve learned anything about mindfulness it’s that where there’s a void, there’s an opening for a story.

To fill the void I scroll and read, listen and watch countless speculations. Gurus spouting what the lesson of all of this is supposed to be… I mean I can’t fault anyone for trying to make sense of a senseless situation in this way. I’ve done it myself - but this time it’s not fulfilling. I know in order to get through this, I can’t find clarity by thinking my way there or letting someone else interpret it for me. I’m going to need to first wipe the window clean if I’m going to learn to enjoy the view.

The void reminds me of the line of demarcation that exists for me right now - a memory of a before without a clear view of an after.

I’m amazed at how much I’ve talked to people, connected with them, felt uplifted by them. How much people can come together - I’m comforted temporarily until the next wave comes. My discomfort with the absence of a foreseeable after persists. I’m stuck.

I tell myself what I do in practice… that’s where the room for growth is.

Feel the feelings.

Thinking something doesn’t make it true.

Keeping a distance doesn’t mean losing connection.

The details make the big picture.

Give it space.

Change is inevitable and nothing is exempt. This too shall pass.

Respond to reality. There is nothing to prepare, notice the moment as it is, not how you want it to be.

I come back to the moment.

I feel the heat of the fire and hear it’s cackle. There’s the light.